Rush

n. a sudden flow or flood.

 

My hands they pour. They’re overflowing. I’m desperately trying to protect and keep what love I have left in the palms of my hands but the more I try, the more that spills over and the more that I lose. I’m frantic and afraid. I crumble up on the bathroom floor, tears raining down my face when I thought I could be in this drought for a little while longer.

Rush. A sudden flow or flood. Like the way everything we had is slipping through my fingertips suddenly, or the way my cheeks flush when you walk into a room. A rush of blood. A rush of temptation, a rush of adoration, a rush of simplicity and ease. Peace. And now it’s all gone and all that is left is a different kind of rush. A rush of tears, a rush of aches, a rush of pain.

 

I am frantic and afraid.

Running in circles, trying to find my way back to where we once stood. Through memory books and dreams I have and had of you. But every time I think I’ve found the place where it all started, nothing seems familiar about it.

I don’t know what’s worse. The rush of the pain or feeling numb to everything in my surroundings. All I ever wanted, not just from you, but from anyone in the world, was to be given a fair and solid chance. Just once in my life, I would like to know what that feels like. To know that someone’s not running away from me to what’s comfortable and familiar because I’m a little zealous at times. I can be a rush for you, a good rush. I can give you a flow or flood of love like you’ve never felt before and never will again. I just need someone to take that risk, to jump into this ocean with me. Because every. god. damn. time. I am the one jumping in alone, fighting the storm, and left with a rush of water filling my lungs. There’s no one there to hold me above water except for myself, but I always end up drowning just a little. I’m tired of fighting, tired of starting new.

 

I want that rush back. That good rush. And I want to share it with someone.

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