Restart

via Daily Prompt: Restart

 

There are things in my life that I miss so much. I think about the late 4 am nights where I ran through the local park with my friends, laughing until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I think about sitting in that same park, gazing at the stars with a man by my side. I think about the Friday night parties where I was so annoyed with my friends’ drunkenness and my having to take care of them, but how after it all I would have done the same again if it meant their safety and happiness. I think about Sunday nights at Christy’s, drunkenly locking hands with my friends knowing we all had 8 am classes the next day, but downing another tequila anyways. I remember feeling so loved and safe because of the people I was around. I think about all the times we would break into pools and go skinny dipping, trying to keep quiet but our adrenaline wanting to overpower that.

 

I don’t miss crying over people I caught feelings for who just couldn’t ever see me as girlfriend material. I certainly don’t love doing it now. I miss breathing in life and air and feeling so alive and happy. Not drifting through each day to the next wondering when the ache will stop. Wondering when it’s going to my turn for things to not be unrequited.

 

What I miss the most though is you. The way your fingertips would slowly and gently touch my face as if you were diligently trying to memorize every curve and texture. The way your hands would feel when they slowly moved across my back when we were one person instead of two. I miss waking up in the middle of the night just to feel you sleepily pull me closer, the warmth of your breath on my neck while you plant tiny kisses on my back. I miss how beautiful it made me feel when you would kiss me goodbye before leaving for work, especially on the mornings you thought I was asleep. I miss your awed gaze when you would see me in something sexy and how beautiful that made me feel. I miss you. I miss your tiny and soft cheek kisses when I would get flustered because it reverberated through my body, bringing me a total sense of calm. I miss staying up for hours talking about anything and everything when we both know how early we have to get up, but not wanting to laughing to end. I miss the rush of the flush to my cheeks when you walked into the room. I miss the endless goosebumps, butterflies, and nervous feeling I would get around you even though I’ve known you for years. I miss how easy everything was with you. I miss never having to second guess your intentions or meanings. I miss knowing that 100% of the time you just wanted to see me smile. I miss knowing that 100% of the time I just wanted to see you smile too.

 

I miss you, I miss you, and I miss you. Maybe in the next life, I will be graced with the feelings I wish you could give to me in this one. Maybe not, but just maybe.

 

So, how do I restart again? This has happened to me time and time again but each time I’m not sure how to begin picking up the pieces. Some get scattered and lost, and each time I feel a little less ready to put myself back together when I know it’s not all there. How do I restart again? How do I pick myself off the floor and how do I stop the tears? How do I tell myself that it will be okay when all my bliss and peace is gone? How do I look you in the eyes with this painful baseball-sized lump in my throat from just wanting to simply kiss you?

How do I restart?

How do I restart?

How do I restart when I have never been so sure and comfortable giving 100% of myself to someone? How do I restart when this feeling is the best I’ve ever known, and I am feeling it for the first time? How do I restart when every bit of my heart is telling me not to? Is telling me to fight and to fight and to fight even though the crowd is long gone and my opponent surrendered?

How do I restart?

How do I restart?

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