A night to remember

6 months ago I was sitting behind the lost colony theatre with a boy who’s hand was on my thigh while we stared up at the stars. The water gently lapping up on the rocks around us, a soothing sound, and everything was quiet. The stars were abundant, something I really really loved about the outer banks.

I remember feeling so small and yet so big in that moment. I felt enveloped in the world and in this boy’s appreciation of me and my company. No words were exchanged and no words were needed. It was easy, comfortable, it was good.

If anyone knows me well, you know these are my favorite moments in life. Where you feel nothing but peace and tranquility, like the world stops for a moment and the world isn’t in chaos.

Im sitting here right now with my friends, drinking wine, enjoying their company, and thinking about how fucking lucky I am, and for a moment, the world stood still for half a second like it did that warm August night.

I may not be completely at peace right now in my life, as things are a little messy. But I AM at peace with the fact that I cannot change everything. I shouldn’t try either. When things hurt me or break me, I have to just enjoy the happiness in the my life and take it. I have to remember to enjoy THIS moment because the next moment is not guaranteed. And if it is given to me, I have something wonderful to look back on, like I do with that night under the stars. No questions, no implications, no demands, just silence and the complete thrill of just being together even though we knew it would be very brief.

 

I’ve always lived this life believing that I was cursed and that I would never be truly happy or loved. But I am happy and I am loved. Maybe not loved in the way I always imagined, but I am loved. That counts for more than I ever realized it would. I am on a path to self healing and breathing every moment into my heart, my soul, and my mind. I am actively choosing to keep remembering the good that is all around me and to smile about it.

 

Things have been rough. Things have been cruel and unkind to me. Some of which are the same things that have been incredibly good to me. But that is life. A balance of things. Nothing is ever all on one side or the other. I am discovering that and it’s importance everyday.

I hope that if you read this and you are not at peace with yourself or what is around you that you can take a moment, step back, and just reflect. It’s hard, it’s so hard to be positive, happy, and reflective when it seems like everything is always against you. I have felt that the universe has been against me for over 5 years and I STILL DO have days like that (I’m only human), but I have been on such a soul searching journey and I have learned to just let things be even if it makes me so unhappy. Even if I want something to be so so different and I REALLY think it should be, the universe will place me where I’m supposed to be when I need to be and if I need to cry about it, then I will. But I will pick back up the next day and just enjoy what I have in front of me right here and right now. Because I would rather reflect back in 6 months or a year and think about the progress my heart and mind have made and how HAPPY I was in those moments, rather than sulking and looking back at how sad and pathetic I was.

 

So, my new years resolution that I hope will stick with me forever is to constantly enjoy right now.

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist.

I love saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my day. I want to live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming. So enjoy RIGHT NOW. Live it. Breathe it. Don’t worry about the future and how you will feel about it tomorrow. Deal with those feelings tomorrow, and pick back up the next day. You owe that to yourself.

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