The Pain of Letting Go.

Picture this:

 

I’m 10 years old, and I’m still in the stage where I’m deeply afraid of storms. Picture me in the back seat of my mom and dad’s 1997 white Monte Carlo, where the first gigantic rain drop hits the car with a thud like a bullet. It resonates through my whole body, like when you listen to Bach’s Cello Suite no. 1 in G Major for the first time; that first note runs through your whole system right to the core, and you know you’re in for something big.

That’s how that rain drop felt. I knew that the storm was coming, and the fear paralyzed me in that back seat, wondering why I was being such a baby about mother nature.

 

Picture this:

I’m 22 years old, and that bullet of paralyzing fear hits me at 9:40 AM while I’m driving to my dog walking job.

 

2 weeks tomorrow I have been in Chicago. It has been so amazing and kind to me, and absolutely necessary I think to my healing process. But I woke up today, and something felt off. That rain drop of a feeling was all I needed to know that a bigger storm was coming, and that storm is called pain.

As it intensified in me, I couldn’t help but let the tears flow.

At least once a week since I was in Ireland, I wake up thinking “I’m supposed to be in England right now”. The thought claws in like a near death deer, begging me to let it die. It creeps in when I’m getting coffee, when I’m cooking dinner, when I’m just driving on some back street, or when I brush my teeth at night. Riddled with injuries and injustices, butting it’s head against mine, this deer is pleading with me “why can’t you let me die”.

And I’m angry with myself. Why can’t I let these thoughts go? I’m in a great city, with great opportunities at my doorstep, and the deepest support from my friends and family. Things are AMAZING, so why can’t I move past this beautiful almost life I was supposed to have?

I’m not sure how to move on from this pain. It feels like this hole is festering more than it’s healing some days. I’m not sure what kind of progress is being made with it, but I do know that nonetheless things are still good for me here guys. I love you all. Thank you for the unending and unwavering support.

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